NOT MY IDEA OF PILLOW TALK

You didn't expect me to get close enough
to take a decent photo, did you?

There I was, almost ready for bed at around 1 am this morning when I glanced at the pillow and - eeeeeek! - there was this creature making itself comfortable.  All right, I know it's not big, by spider standards, but it's a tarantula to me!

At first, standing well back, I tried to persuade it to just go away and, when it took no notice, wondered if perhaps it would appreciate being spoken to in Sicilian dialect . Alas, my invocation to "Avattinni a cògghiri cardi" =  "Go and pick cardoons" fell on deaf spider ears - or hairs- and by 2 am I was a desperate woman.

At that time of night in a flat in Italy, you can't use the vacuum cleaner tube, try to frighten the creature with noise or even scream for fear of disturbing the neighbours, so I'm standing there, still starkers, trying to work out what to do when I realise my pyjamas are under the pillow! This is not the only pair of pyjamas I own but I was too freaked out to remember that at the time. Having what I thought was a brainwave, I managed to pull them out from under the pillow under the spider with a walking stick but this caused the spider to move and then I didn't know if it was in the pyjamas or not.  Finally  I remembered the other pyjamas and decided to don them as if ever a situation required clothes, this was it!

Being thus attired seemed to make me braver and next, I fetched my oven gloves and proceeded to strip the bed because no way was I lying down on it if spiderman or woman was still there.  Still with the gloves on, I lifted the mattress several times to look under it but there was no sign of  signor/a ragno there either.  Now only the pillow cases remained to be examined inside so I poked about in them with the walking stick and managed to slip them off using this, too - because I had to change them, didn't I?  I mean, could you sleep on a pillow case where this creepiest of creepy crawlies had made itself at home?

By 3.30 am I just had to lie down but I kept the light on and did not close my eyes for a minute, knowing that our unwelcome guest was probably still in the room. Then, suddenly at 4 am there it was under the bookcase - I might have respected it had it been exploring some books -  but it  escaped yet again.   By this time Simi the dog, who had slept through most of the drama, had begun to take an interest and, once she was on the bed too, I felt safer so nodded off uneasily. We woke up to bright sun but I'm afraid the Italian proverb, "Se il ragno fa il filato, il bel tempo è assicurato - If the spider is spinning its web, you can be sure of fine weather"was no comfort to me at all!

Doris Day - Pillow Talk