NOT THE MASTERCHEF REPORT

Tonight I was hoping to be able to bring you my insights into this year's MasterChef Italia, which held its final last night, but unfortunately my Sky signal chose 9 pm to give up the ghost in the face of a few gusts of wind. [This part of Sicily got the tail end of the heavy winds which had mercilessly lashed mainland Italy throughout Wednesday and Thursday, causing considerable damage and three deaths.]  I'd been looking forward to the programme all day so, needless to say, I was not pleased!

I did know who the winner would be, as much to the judges' chagrin, the contest result had been leaked on Tuesday's Striscia La Notizia programme, and even if I hadn't, I could have worked out what was happening from social media.  However, I did want to see what tasks were set for the three finalists, generally enjoy the drama and feast my eyes once more on chef Carlo Cracco. The Striscia spoiler caused a twitter storm, as you may imagine, and the programme also accused one of the finalists of working in a professional kitchen before becoming a contestant.  If this is true, it of course breaks the MasterChef rules. Both the contestant and the restaurant concerned deny that he has worked there and the argument is ongoing.

Congratulations to worthy winner Stefano Callegaro and I would like to express the hope that when his recipe book is published, it will actually contain some recipes, unlike last year's effort, which was supposed to give readers ideas rather than recipes. Such a book is fine by me as long as it is not marketed as a recipe book!

My Sky signal is back on now so, barring a few drops of rain or the odd breeze, I should be able to watch the repeat tomorrow.

SIGH IN THE SKY

I pride myself on being at my cantankerous British best whenever a Sky Italia employee calls, usually at the most inconvenient of times, to offer me a sports package and the conversation often runs like this:

Me: Sorry, but I hate sport.
Sky lady:  What, all of it?
Me: Yes.
Sky lady: But don't you want to see some of it? Didn't you want to watch the Olympics in your own country last year?
Me [for I have to grudgingly admit that even I was teary over the Olympics]: Yes, but I watched them very well on Rai, thank you.
Hapless Sky lady [the idea that you might live alone and dislike sport being too much for an Italian]: Well, isn't there anyone else in your house who likes sport? There must be!
Me: No, I'm afraid not. My dog's not interested in sport either!
Sky lady [despairing]: Allora, buona sera, signora.

But if I am the despair of the Sky sales team, I must admit that Sky often get their revenge - as they did two years ago when they cut the BBC Entertainment channel, for instance, and as they do these days every two months when they send out their bills: There I am after a hard day in the whiteboard jungle, unwinding by watching some inane repeat documentary about British royals, when all of a sudden, a message flashes onto the screen, accusing me of not having paid my bill. What bill? I haven't received one!

Angrily, I rush to the phone and when, after much sleep-inducing music and numerous useless messages, I actually get to speak to a real, live person, I am told that the bills have been sent out but that they must be delayed in the post. That, surely, is Sky's problem to resolve and, as they admit it is happening to everyone, I cannot understand why they do not do just that. Last month, the guy in billing said he was telling everyone to go to the tobacconist's or other Sisal [lotto outlet with a bill-paying facility] shop a few days before the bill is due, ask the shopkeeper to key in their client number on the lottomatica machine and lo and behold, the amount due would show. That's fine, but what about people who cannot get to a Sisal shop or do not have time to do so?  When I went to the tobacconist's to follow this advice on Friday, he told me that everyone who pays their Sky bill in cash has the same problem -  namely, that the bill arrives two weeks after the final date for paying it - and that they are all heartily fed up with Sky, who then add an extra charge!

Come on, Sky Italia: you have brought us HD, "My Sky" and have managed to incorporate Italian digitale terrestre channels into your little box, so surely it is not beyond you to change your private postal service and get the bills to your customers on time?

SOME SKYISMS IN A TRAGIC CASE

Like millions of my compatriots, I watched Sky's Raoul Moat coverage on Friday night as if it were entertainment. For non-British readers, Raoul Moat was a released prisoner who last week allegedly shot and seriously injured his former girlfriend, murdered her boyfriend and shot and seriously injured a police officer. Armed, he then went on the run, allegedly communicating to the police threats against police and public alike. All this took place in and around the Northumbria town of Rothbury, where the climax of the drama unfolded on Friday night as hundreds of armed police cornered their prey.

Now to the coverage: As usual, we were treated to Sky journalists interviewing each other. In the dull moments, of which there were few, the fillers of conjecture were staggering in their banality: "The police officers in that car looked pretty important", said one reporter of a vehicle which had passed so fast that no one could have seen anything. Chief crime correspondent Martin Brunt, as usual, got to stand outside the police station, presumably to demonstrate his importance. Meanwhile, his colleagues proceeded to interview anybody and everybody, whether they had seen anything or not. I kept waiting for them to interview a dog.

For a population that had been told to stay indoors because of the danger, there seemed to be a lot of people out and about, all with tales to tell of how they had seen this or that while "going for a walk along the river". This makes you proud to be British: an armed criminal is on the loose, the town is full of police armed to the teeth, you can't move in the streets for ballistic vehicles brought in from Northern Ireland and these people calmly go for a walk along the river. No wonder we won the war....

There were the inevitable "Hello, Mum, I'm on the teley" moments too, as some young men gathered just beyond the police cordon and behind the journalists jumped up and down and waved. A few yards away a man - an ex-convict who has allegedly threatened them, an alleged murderer but a man nonetheless - is holding a gun to his head and these guys think it's play time? Proud to be a Brit again...

Of the sad ending I will say little, except was it really necessary to play what were presumably a man's final shouts of agony again and again?

The next day Brunt was still there. outside the police station, as if he hadn't moved all night. This time Brunt was the voice of reason for, less than twenty-four hours after the stand-off, everyone had started indulging in another favourite British pastime - criticising the police.

Yesterday the coverage continued with Anna Botting - you know it's serious stuff when Anna Botting's there - reporting from the centre of Rothbury in the rain. How come Anna can stand in a torrential downpour and not get her hair wet? What's the secret, Anna?

"How did he look? Contemplative? I don't want to put words in your mouth", said Botting innocently as she interviewed yet another "eye witness". Botting's disappointment as she failed to elicit the word "suicidal" from her hapless interviewee was palpable.

"Did the police search there?" she asked another. This interviewee probably had as much idea as I do about where the police did or did not search, yet Botting kept on. There's going to be an ENQUIRY, Anna. Oh, sorry, Anna knows that, for her next utterance was, "And the rain will be part of the enquiry". For one glorious moment I thought she was going to say that God would be interrogated as to why it rained but then she added that what she meant was that the rain might have been the last straw for the fugitive.

What have Sky got against their reporter Lisa Dowd? Poor Lisa didn't even get a beano out to Portugal during the Madeleine McCann coverage. Instead, she had to stay in drizzly old Britain and look at the flowers and teddies. And yesterday there she was again, reporting on the flowers left for Moat. [Yes, you read that right. The British left flowers for the alleged murderer.] I think I'll start a campaign - "A Beano Abroad for Lisa". Do you want to join?

But what's this? Tonight we have heard from Lisa again, this time interviewing Moat's brother - an emotive interview which in my view should not have taken place, or not at this juncture anyway. This is Sky at its worst.

What does the Italian press make of all this? The incident has been reported but not in great detail and some surprise has been expressed at how much of the drama was broadcast on live television. My Italian friends, one of whom is a policeman, continue to be amazed at the fact that the British police are not armed as a matter of course. I tell them that on that count I really am proud to be British.

SKYWARS UPDATE - 2

In Italy the regional election results promise us more of Mr Berlusconi, part of Nero's Palace has collapsed in rain and in the South we are all going to be swept away by a tsunami.  What is more, British expats living here will not even be able to cheer themselves up by watching a bit of blood and gore in the TV series "Casualty" as they await  Armageddon for, as I wrote here, Sky Italia removed the popular BBC Entertainment channel from its platform on 1st March.

Sky Italia, however, reckoned without the "spirit of the blitz" and the facebook group, "Bring Back BBC Entertainment" now has over 1,000 members who do not rest on their laurels but bombard Sky Italia with mail, emails and phone calls every day.  Sky continue to claim that they were unable to reach an agreement on contract renewal with the BBC but, from correspondence members of the group have received from the BBC, it is quite clear which company is at fault!  When Sky decided to add an Italian poker channel to its Italy platform group members were, to say the least, unimpressed.

Sky Italia quite simply does not wish to invest in quality programmes and assumes its subscribers are content with sport, sport and more sport, unpopular films and nonsense channels like the poker one.  The company clearly does not listen to its customers and deserves to lose business, which it seems to be doing fast.  I have been waiting for a promised phone call from Sky since the beginning of the month.

The BBC, on the other hand, has listened to its clientèle and is trying to find another platform for its entertainment programmes in Italy.  Meanwhile, in response to requests from members of the facebook group and others, it has made the popular series "Eastenders" available on the internet.  This is a great victory for the facebook group and I am happy for the "Eastenders" fans.  My own addiction, however, is to the hospital dramas "Casualty" and "Holby City" so please, BBC, make these available on the internet too!

We are, of course, aware that there are other ways of receiving BBC programmes in Italy but they all cost money and I feel that I have paid Sky enough and have a contract with them which runs until September.  I took the Sky package five years ago on the understanding that BBC Entertainment was part of it and I intend to fight on until I get it back.

If you are on facebook, do join the "Bring Back BBC Entertainment" group and help us fight an uncaring company which is totally unconcerned with quality.

A little of what I'm missing....

SKYWARS UPDATE

Logo of the facebook group.

For those of you who have not read my previous post on this, here is an article of mine which was published in Italy Magazine yesterday:

On Monday 1st March thousands of British ex-pats living in Italy tried to tune in to Sky Italia’s channel 138 to find, instead of their favourite programme on the BBC Entertainment [formerly BBC Prime] channel, a notice from Sky informing them that the channel was no longer available.

The international news channel BBC World was still broadcasting on Sky Italia, but of BBC Entertainment, which screens soap operas, drama series, British comedy and documentaries, there was not a trace. The British ex-pat community was in despair.Would they never know who killed Archie, a character in the London-based series “Eastenders”? Who would get the ward sister’s job in the long-running hospital drama, “Casualty”? And gone from their lives was their weekly hour of nostalgia as they settled down with a cup of tea to watch “Coast”, a journey around the entire British coastline.

But soon despair turned to anger and, being British, the ex-pats’ anger turned into action: now they are bombarding Sky Italia with phone calls, emails and faxes and a 550-strong group, “Bring back BBC Entertainment on Sky Italia” has been formed on facebook. Group founder Carlo Castiglia writes:

“Like most of the British ex-pats when we subscribed to Sky Italia, we did it because BBC Entertainment was part of the Sky channels. As most of you have noticed from the 1st March BBC Entertainment is no longer part of the Sky platform! Without informing any of us they just took the channel off the platform. It’s disgraceful the way Sky are treating us.”

Sky Italia are sending out standard emails to members of the group and others who contact them. These say that Sky have not renewed their contract with BBC Entertainment and point out the other channels offered by Sky. This does not appease the British ex-pats, who say that they will cancel their Sky subscriptions en masse. Carlo Castiglia has been contacted by the BBC, who, in a courteous response to his email, say that they are aware of the facebook group and appreciate their support of BBC Entertainment. They state that, when the contract came up for renewal, they were unable to reach a mutually acceptable agreement with Sky.

You may wonder why British ex-pats who have lived in Italy for many years still wish to watch BBC Entertainment. These are people who love Italy and have embraced its culture. But when it comes to television, Italian channels with their endless quizzes, reality shows and dreadful soap operas have little to offer them. BBC Entertainment was, for many, a link with “home” and, whatever criticisms one may level at the BBC, one has to admit that, compared to many other broadcasters, the quality of its drama and documentary output is high.

The facebook group fights on and a side-benefit of its existence is that friendships are being formed among its members, who have this message for Sky Italia:

“We shall never surrender”.

[End of article.]

This is the standard reply I received from Sky Italia to my own enquiry as to why the channel had been removed:

Gentile Cliente,
abbiamo ricevuto la sua e-mail e siamo sinceramente dispiaciuti per il suo disappunto. In merito alla sua richiesta, le comunichiamo che l’accordo tra SKY e BBC Entertainment per i diritti di trasmissione del canale non è stato rinnovato.
Il nostro impegno per offrirle emozioni continua con nuovi programmi condotti dai personaggi più amati dal pubblico, i film più attesi in anteprima assoluta,le ultime stagioni delle sue serie tv preferite, le partite del grande calcio italiano e internazionale e gli straordinari eventi sportivi in diretta, come le Olimpiadi Invernali Vancouver 2010 e i Mondiali di Calcio FIFA Sud Africa 2010.
Certi che continuerà a seguirci con lo stesso interesse, le porgiamo
Un cordiale saluto,

Servizio Clienti SKY

Dear Client,

We have received your email and we are sincerely sorry about your disappointment. With regard to your request, we inform you that the agreement between SKY and BBC Entertainment regarding transmission rights for the channel has not been renewed.

Our commitment to offering you exciting viewing continues with new programmes presented by much-loved television personalities, premières of the most eagerly awaited films, the latest episodes of your favourite TV series, plus important live Italian and international football matches and extraordinary sporting events such as the Vancouver Winter Olympics 2010 and the FIFA World Cup in South Africa, 2010.

We are sure that you will continue to follow us with the same interest.

Yours faithfully,

SKY Customer Services

[My translation]

Needless to say, I wasn't impressed by this and I wrote back:

Vi ringrazio della Vostra risposta.

Tuttavia, il problema e' che non voglio "nuovi programmi condotti dai personaggi piu' amati dal pubblico, i film piu' attesi in anteprima assoluta,le ultime stagioni delle sue serie tv preferite, le partite del grande calcio italiano e internazionale e gli straordinari eventi sportivi in diretta, come le Olimpiadi Invernali Vancouver 2010 e i Mondiali di Calcio FIFA Sud Africa 2010". Non amo la maggior parte dei personaggi piu' amati dal pubblico, non ho il tempo di guardare i film, le ultime stagioni delle mie serie preferite sono trasmesse sul BBC Entertainment e odio tutto lo sport. Per farla breve, voglio solo il canale BBC Entertainment!

Ho letto che lo Sky ha perso 65,000 abbonamenti nel 2009. Nel 2010 ne perderete ancora di piu'!

Distinti saluti

Thank you for your reply.

However, the problem is that I do not want "new programmes presented by much-loved television personalities, premières of the most eagerly awaited films, the latest episodes of your favourite TV series, plus important live Italian and international football matches and extraordinary sporting events such as the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics and the 2010 World Cup in South Africa." I do not love the majority of much-loved television personalities, I don't have time to watch films, the latest episodes of my favourite TV series are broadcast on BBC Entertainment and I hate all sport. In brief, I only want BBC Entertainment!

I have read that Sky lost 65,000 subscribers in 2009. You will lose even more in 2010.

Yours faithfully,

[My translation]

On Monday I received an email from Sky Italia saying they were going to contact me by phone and I am hourly expecting the call....

To end this update, here's a little ditty I wrote on Saturday:

There once was a group of ex-pats
let down by some corporate pratts.
They bombarded Sky
with "Why, why, oh why
have you taken the Beeb off our sats?"

Said Sky, "We've got films and football",
The Brits said, "That won't do at all,
By Archie we're haunted
'Eastenders' we wanted,
We really cannot believe your gall."

"Where's Holby? Where's Del-boy? Where's 'Coast'?
Just wait till you open your post!
We're getting quite ranty
'cos we want our Auntie*
and all you can do, Sky, is boast!"

"We're each of us cancelling our sub
and everyone's joining our club.
We're holding a dem,
inviting HM
and then we are off down the pub."

"Sky, we are issuing writs
'cos you are a right bunch of shits.
We'll make such a din,
we'll never give in
Don't think you can tangle with Brits!"

* British people often refer to the BBC as "Auntie".

SKY ITALIA, YOU ASKED FOR IT....

In youth, I had a very quick temper which often shamed me in personal relationships despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that I had a job, then as now, which requires infinite patience. Now it is rare for me to lose my temper on a personal level, though I am still angered by war, injustice, hunger, poverty, racism and the "big things" of life.

Tonight, however, I am furious on my own behalf and this post constitutes a rant at the cause: the decision-makers at Sky Italia, who have, without a word of warning, taken BBC Entertainment off their platform. There I was on Monday evening, settling down for my "treat of the week" - two hours of "Holby City" - but when I keyed the channel number in there was a notice from Sky saying that from 1st March BBC Entertainment was unavailable. There was no explanation or advice offered.

Most of you know that I'm an Italian graduate and am fluent in the language, so I do watch Italian TV, though I would rather listen to BBC Radio 4 than watch anything. But "Holby City" and "Casualty" are my little bits of Britain and I look - I mean looked - forward to them. Selina's love life, Charlie's childcare problems, Connie the man-eating medical director and Chrissie, the matron who's anybody's after a martini, are the stuff of which quite pleasant dreams are made. But now because of Sky Italia's actions - or maybe non-actions - I won't know who is sleeping in whose bed in any of the hospital departments from one week to the next. [You didn't think the medical staff had time for the patients in these programmes, did you?] Come on Sky Italia, these are serious matters!

There are , apparently, other cards which you can buy to receive BBC Entertainment in Italy but I'm hanged if I'm going to shell out more when Sky is already so expensive! Oh, no, I am going to keep on and on at Sky until the channel is restored to our screens and, if the facebook group "Bring Back BBC Entertainment on Sky Italia" is anything to go by, a lot of other ex-pat Brits in Italy are ready to do the same.

Not that BBC Entertainment - formerly BBC Prime - is a perfect channel, for it is far from that. It sometimes screens soap opera episodes in the wrong order so you get completely muddled [the sensation is a bit like being drunk] it goes in for Saturday night "stacks", so that you get about three hours of episodes of one programme - this is just lazy scheduling - and it shows repeats of comedies from thirty years ago time and time again. I have to admit, though, that these are funnier than a lot of the comedy that is churned out today and the familiar faces give you a sort of cosy, nostalgic feeling. The channel also angered a lot of viewers a couple of years ago when it announced a decision to broadcast even more rubbish "reality" and "lifestyle" shows. So it was far from perfect but it was, after all, dear old "Auntie" BBC and we put up with it stoically, as Brits do. And now we want it back! It's quite simple, Sky Italia: we have the right to grumble about it but you don't have the right to take it away.

All any of us can get out of Sky is that it "has not renewed its contract" with the BBC and the BBC is confirming that. Is it a coincidence that the Berlusconi government has cut advertising time on Sky or that the BBC announced massive cuts yesterday? Or could it be that Sky's bureaucratic procedures cannot cope with the channel's change of name? Your guess is as good as mine. But Sky had better get its act together or it will find itself losing many of the British clients who keep it in business.

In revenge, here are some Skyisms for you. Sky News, I have to say, is often first on the scene and when it is good it is very, very good. But most of the time it is mediocre and sometimes it is terrible.

On Saturday, for instance, we had pictures of people standing on a Hawaiian beach waiting for the tsunami, digital cameras at the ready [as if the tsunami was going to stop and say "cheese"] while a female news presenter several times described waves which were "crashing in" as we all gazed at a remarkably calm sea. Sky newsreaders can rarely hide their disappointment when a disaster fails to happen and this one was no exception.

Then there was the time when a weathergirl was called in to fill a Saturday afternoon slot by describing what happens in a flood:

"It's like a teacup that overflows", she explained as if she were Einstein.

Well, thank you, Sky, I would never have figured that out!

When Madeleine McCann disappeared nearly every Sky News reporter got a beano out to Portugal. Even the excellent Kay Burley was despatched to an almost empty beach to interview British holidaymakers. Why the task needed someone of Burley's standing was never explained.

But by far the most common occurence on Sky News is some political row or other which somehow always breaks out late at night or on weekends. On those occasions a hapless political reporter, usually poor old Peter Spencer, has to stand, in snow, fog or torrential rain, outside a Downing Street where nothing is happening or outside a Parliament where nothing is happening. Do they think their viewers have no imagination at all? Is this what I pay my 500 euros a year for?

No, it is not, Sky. I pay it to receive foreign channels that I would not otherwise be able to receive. If you cannot restore BBC Entertainment you will lose my subscription and many others and I wouldn't have thought that you could afford this in these desperate times. So what have you got to say for yourselves, Sky Italia?

Da: Patricia Eggleton No. cliente: ********

A: Sky Italia

Oggetto: Canale 138 - BBC Entertainment

Modica, 3 marzo 2010

Spett. Ditta Sky Italia

sono spiacente di notare che, dal 1 marzo 2010, il canale BBC Entertainment non è più disponibile sulla piattaforma Sky e Vi prego di informarmi dei Vostri motivi per la situazione.

Questo canale è importante per molte persone anglofone che abitano in Italia e lo Sky è in grado di perdere i loro abbonamenti. C'è già un gruppo molto attivo sul facebook.

Vi prego di riconsiderare la Vostra decisione.

Mi auguro di sentirVi presto.

Distinti saluti

Patricia Eggleton