DRAWING THE LINE

 On Friday in a shop in Modica - a chain, where I usually get good service - the shop assistants turned their attention first to a man who had arrived after me. I politely pointed this out but the young women serving and the man said he had arrived before me. I calmly said Ok, but that when the chain's head office emailed me for my opinion of my visit (as they always do) I would reply that it went badly.

In How to be Inimitable (1960) by the Hungarian author George Mikes - a book which is the forerunner of all humourous accounts of British eccentricity - he tells us, "If you want to be a true Briton, you must still be fond of queueing" and, although many things have changed in the land of my birth, I think this is still true. Therefore I wish I had thought to say that I come from a country where queue-jumping is about the most anti-social transgression you can commit so of course I would not have lied about my place in the line. In Britain murder, fraud and bank robbery are way down the list of serious crimes after queue-jumping! (Incidentally queue-jumping seems to happen a lot in perfumeries here.)

I remember that, at the beginning of my first trip to Italy (when I was 19) I had to go to a post office in order to send a telegram informing my parents of my safe arrival. (We didn't have the luxury of instant messaging and international phone calls were expensive and often took ages to connect.) There were a lot of people but nobody was queueing and no ticket system was in place, so not really knowing what to do, I just sat and watched everyone else for twenty minutes or so. Then a kindly-looking clerk beckoned me and I managed to send my telegram. Would anyone have the patience now?

My very old copy of How to be Inimitable.
 I still peruse it now and then, for the smiles.

A LITTLE UPSET

In George Mikes's Italy for Beginners, a book I read when I was about 16, the author says, in a chapter on manners,

"Half tones will not even take you half way; understatements are taken at even less than their face value. If you are deeply worried about something, it is no good remarking softly, 'I'm a little peturbed.'  If, on the contrary, you run about the room berserk, beat the walls with your fists, froth at the mouth, turn purple and scream for half an hour then people may gather that you are slightly irritated, though not annoyed. Unless, of course, you are simply tired."

I was reminded of this whilst watching last Friday's Bake Off Italia, during which this lady got a little upset when her éclairs didn't turn out the way she wanted. I think I can guess what the estimable Mary Berry would have made of it, but haven't we all felt like this when our cooking has gone wrong?  [You only need to watch the first minute or so of the clip - the rest is a repeat of it.]

By the way, I'm rooting for the modest baking builder in tonight's Great British Bake Off, though all the contestants are so good that it's a shame that any of them have to lose!

HOORAY FOR SAN MARINO!

Monte Titano, San Marino
Image:  Wikimedia Commons

This is not a post about Sicily, but the Serenissima Repubblica di San Marino, which I have visited only once and loved.

In Italy for Beginners, the humourist George Mikes wrote,

"The Italians cannot - and do not even try to - spoil the fun San Marino has with postage stamps.  A treaty exists between Italy and San Marino, under which Italy makes an annual payment ..... and in return San Marino forgoes her right to print money, grow tobacco, distil alcohol or impose duties of any kind.  She is, however, allowed to print her own stamps..... Magnificent and impressive stamps pour from the printing presses every month or so to the delight and despair of collectors." 

Mikes was writing in 1956 and Italy and, no doubt, San Marino are very different today but the book still contains nuggets of truth that anyone who has had an extended stay in Italy will recognise with a wry smile.  I particularly recommend the last section of Mikes's chapter on San Marino, in which he is mistaken for a spokesperson for the Duke of Gloucester, to you. 

The Sammarinesi continue to produce beautiful stamps and this week they have unveiled a special edition which will be sold in order to raise funds for reconstruction work in the areas affected by the Emilia-Romagna earthquake earlier this year.

Image: via Meteoweb

The slogan for the edition reads, "Hold your hand out to rebirth" and, as you see, the leaf resembles a hand.  It is holding a brick, which symbolises reconstruction.  The release date for the stamp is 30th August but it can be purchased on the internet from 20th August.

Let's hear it for San Marino!

STILL BRITISH AFTER ALL THESE YEARS....

Over the past six years, I have got used to going straight up to the counter at the newsagent's rather than waiting to be asked what I need, having my change slammed on to the counter instead of put into my hand and, in larger stores,  being followed around by a shop assistant rather than being left to browse.  I have even acquired some of the patience and not a little of the resignation required to carry out a transaction in that least favourite building of mine, the post office.

But there is one thing I simply cannot do and that is to queue-jump: Thus it was that I received a very strange look from the post office clerk this morning after I had dutifully waited till my ticket number showed on the screen when all I wanted was a form to fill in.  Yes, everybody else makes a beeline for the clerk, with no  consideration for the customer whose transaction is being interrupted or for the many others still patiently waiting.  I have tried to do this, reader, but at the last minute I freeze and find myself rooted to the spot.

The British, as George Mikes observed, queue "for the hell of it" if no other reason can be found and, if this is our national sport, it is also the only one I am ever likely to indulge in, so I cannot give it up now!

AN ALTERCATION

"You had better leave your impeccable English manners at home if you want to be a social success in Italy. Half tones will not take you even half way; understatements are taken at even less than their face value. If you are deeply worried about something , it is no good remarking softly, 'I'm a little peturbed.' If, on the contrary, you run about the room berserk, beat the walls with your fists, froth at the mouth, turn purple and scream for half an hour then people may gather that you are slightly irritated though not annoyed."

- Thus wrote George Mikes in Italy for Beginners in 1956.

I was just strolling along the street with Simi, wondering what to post about this evening, when I witnessed the most magnificent argument about a parking space: My neighbour, Mr N... was arriving home in his car and the car in front of him was about to manoeuvre into Mr N's personal parking space. Mr N beeped and made a "No, no" gesture. The other driver made frantic hand signals and pointed to the nearby ATM that he wanted to use. There ensued a lot of shouting and gesticulating , with the would-be parking space usurper marching over to Mr N and asking what was the matter with him - anybody could see he only wanted to park there for a minute to get some money, to which Mr N responded loudly that this was HIS parking space, he'd had a hard day and all he wanted to do was park and go to his apartment. [The other guy could have withdrawn his money and driven to the next town in the time that this took.] Meanwhile, all the other traffic in the street had come to a standstill and Simi and I just stood and watched [ along with many others, including several shopkeepers who had come outside to see the fun]. We couldn't have passed the two cars and we couldn't use the pavement either, as it is being repaired. Finally Mr N threw his hands in the air and uttered "Pazienza" to himself, the other driver ran to the ATM and got his money and at last there was movement again in the street.

Half a century on from George Mikes the English no longer have "impeccable manners" and probably the whole episode would have ended in a "road rage" punch-up in Britain these days. But here it all ended in smiles, thanks and even a handshake!

On Saturday I'll have been here two years and I still occasionally forget myself and indulge in the odd British understatement. Mikes is right about that: here people will take it literally or, as he says, at "less than its face value."